Like a Blue Lady Bug

Monday, September 26, 2016

Legitimate Hot Flashes

I'm too young for hot flashes and I'm still having them over a week after I stopped taking the medicine that caused them. They are legitimate and very uncomfortable.

I wonder if this is normal.

I also wonder if it's going to work. And if it does, how will it feel? And if it doesn't- how will that feel?

In other news... On September 19th we dressed up as pirates to go get free doughnuts from Krispy Kreme! Quite the adventure, quite the line. Declan would only carry his sword and shield. The rest of us suffered in the heat of the day.

I'm not going to tell you I convinced my mum to abandon the line and purchase doughnuts elsewhere. Because that would mean straight up mutiny! It would also mean that my middle little sister (who teaches elementary school) and her whole 4th grade class would get doughnuts before school was over. So even if I abandoned the original mission in pure mutiny, I was able to achieve the end goal and purpose of the embarkment.

Maybe I'll be a pirate for Halloween. The trick is convincing my husband to dress up for anything. Ever.
Let me clarify, it's hard to get him to dress up for the sake of play and imaginations. He dresses up for church and fancy dinners and special events. No problem. (Except that one time that he took off his shoes while we were 
standing in our line at our wedding reception. But then, mine were off too...)

I have a huge cardboard box. I could dress up as a box of cereal.
Maybe Jacob would hold a knife. So he could be a cereal killer and I could be on the run!

Maybe he'll wear his work badge and be a computer nerd. (I had a friend do this once. It was hilarious!)

In other, other news... I've signed up for my last class!!!! 4th semester German, here I come!!! #duolingopleasehelp! #plz!

We didn't call Jacob's parents after church because it was a busy afternoon. We had the missionaries over to eat dinner with us. They were early. Why would I have dinner ready early? Ever? Be honest, people. I'm always struggling with dinner.
Anyhow. The Elders were sweet. And then we had a family over for salsa. Jacob taught the 2 teenage boys how to make salsa! It was so cute. :) (Don't tell any of them that I said that cuz not one of them would like being called cute. They're all very manly.) (So as cute as you can say they are in the most manly sort of way.)

I watched Women's Conference on Saturday night. I felt to rise to the call. We need more women with a bedrock understanding of the Doctrine. I want to be one of those women. I want to take time for a more serious gospel study on a day by day basis. The only way to keep testimony alive is to keep feeding it!

Jacob went on a business trip last week. I missed him so much. Probably because it wasn't until the week before he left that we realized that I could have gone with him if I had purchased my flight at the same time his was scheduled. But $400+ for a three night stay??? When he got his tickets for $125???  Now we know for next time. Buy a ticket for the wife.

I am afraid I wax boring. What do you want me to write about??? Ask me? Please? I need reasons to get writing more regularly.

Monday, September 12, 2016

Lack of Preparation continued...

Since we started telling a story here why not continue?

Last Thursday I went to the Fertility place for an ultrasound to see if we were ready to move forward to the next step. My follicles weren't big enough. They're supposed to be up to 18 mm wide. Mine were not. So they upped my dosage of Femara and sent me on my way.

On Sunday I was worked up so much, worrying about what we were doing. Is going to a fertility clinic the right thing to do? Is it right to use medication to trick your body into functioning like a normal woman? Is this too much of a financial strain? (Apparently there are things to learn about insurance the first time you really start to utilize your own. Mostly I mean deductibles and that they start afresh every January.) But most importantly, is it even the right time to have a baby? Creating life is serious business. There's more to it than 9 months of uncomfortable weight gain and then precious moments of cuddling that swiftly disappear as your baby becomes a toddler and continues to grow up. You are bringing new life into a destructive world. I was worried that my efforts to become a mother are based in selfishness and desire that isn't right. Then the counsellor in the bishopric called on the bishop's wife to bear her testimony because we had extra time at the end of the meeting. Do you wanna know what she said? Because it had such a profound effect on me I promptly forgot the exact phrase. Anyhow, it went something like, "If you think you've ruined your life beyond God's ability to repair it, don't worry. You're not that powerful." I laughed it off because I've read it before. And then I let it sink in and it felt like someone was filling the weight in my chest with helium, tying it off, and sending it to the sky. "Bethany," the new space in my heart seemed to say, "it's okay. You keep working and doing your best. I will take care of you."

Fast forward to today. Another ultrasound. NBD. I'm getting used to these uncomfortable things. If you don't know what a trans vaginal ultrasound is ask me and I'll explain. Or ask your mother. Or the Internet. I asked the Internet before I got the first one. I was glad I did that research ahead of time so I could be mentally prepared.

Unfortunately my cute little follicles have not really grown. The largest one the doctor could see was about 7mm wide. That will just not do.

She asked about my periods. I gave a way too long explanation. She said we might not have to induce a period or change my medications or inject FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) directly into my bloodstream. That's a little more expensive. Or we would try again on the next cycle. #StubbornOvaries. I felt like what she said was reasonable. I had seen the screen and she had answered so many questions for me already. I knew that my follicles weren't big enough. I saw them. I saw what the measurements.

She left me alone in the room and said she'd talk to me when I came out. I felt a small swelling of disappointment as I adjusted my clothes, but hurried out so I wouldn't have to feel it.

She said they'd give me a call later today, could I be available to come back in to pick up new medications just in case? Yes of course.

I walked out to my car and sat down and just felt the discouragement envelop me. I was sad. I didn't want to sit there and write this out like last time. I just wanted to drive away from that place. It wasn't a happy place today. I turned on my tunes for distraction and drove. And as Imagine Dragons sang that "I could have gave up then, but then again I couldn't have," I felt a tear rolling down my cheek. Like Dan Reynolds was reaching back from the future telling me (with very poor grammar) that I've come all this way for something and that I can't just give up. I wasn't feeling on top of the world, but I could totally relate to the words in that peppy song.

I quit resisting my feelings and just let myself be sad, upset, frustrated, etc. There weren't many tears to be had. I was scared of my feelings being too much, but they were not. They were adequate. And when then had run their course they were calm.

And I felt better.

And driving back to Provo to sit next to my Jacob while he works on campus was the next best thing to emotionally eating, so I did it. There is so much comfort in a compassionate, loving husband. And here we sit. Side by side. Working. In a quiet room with a fantastic view feeling peaceful, comforted, and loved.

Standing up and stretching he asked if we could have a home with a third story, glass walled room one day.

Yes, my love. Yes, yes, yes.

It would be my office.

You would fit in an office like that.

I forgot to mention to him that no child of ours would ever be willing to resist the urge to spend all of their time in a room like that. It really would need to be a family room.

So here's hoping our dream office will turn into a room with constant smudges on the glass.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

I was not prepared for this

Today was my 3rd appointment at the Utah Fertility Clinic. The first one without my sweet husband there. The most physically painful one. Yikes!
Let me rewind. I know I should be recording my experience in the world of infertility. If I should be posting such personal things on a blog is another question entirely. Why I'm writing this right now? Well, I'll get to that.
I have known for years that something is not quite right with the way my body works. I felt like I didn't have a period every month. I could never guess when it would happen. I couldn't relate to jokes about the 28 days of a cycle. I just didn't have a regular cycle.
I mean, there are perks to this. For example: I don't have to be restocking my feminine supplies every month. That's about the only one I can think of right now.
Another clue was the growth of horrible nasty black hairs in the wrong place.
Another clue was my sisters being diagnosed with PCOS.
So, after getting married, regularly discussing the situation with my husband, and also getting insurance from my his full time job, I went ahead and called the infertility office.
Appointment 1: I have PCOS for sure. (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. In short, my body doesn't know how to ovulate and will occasionally develop a cyst. When the cyst bursts it's incredibly painful. Painful enough to have woken me from my sleep once. I don't wake up for nothing. That was so bad.)
Appointment 2: was an ultrasound... I can't remember what for but it came after taking some medicine and then I took some more.
Appointment 3: HSG. This means they want to make sure there isn't any blockage in my fallopian tubes. They do this by inserting... Or shooting, rather, a dye into my uterus and watch the dye on a machine to see if it travels up the tubes. If it does it will spill out. If it doesn't spill then you know you have a blockage problem and that would be a factor in preventing pregnancy. Sometimes it may actually clear blockage and that alone can help couples to conceive.
So... The thing is. When you have liquid shoved into your system it causes major cramps.
One of the perks of PCOS is that I don't have cramps 12 times a year. Within the past year I've only had them 5 times. That's the only year I've counted. Anyhow...
I am hurting so badly in my car right outside the Dr's Office. I took a pain medication before I even came and one after! I just don't know if I should be driving right now. That's why I stopped right now to write this. And I thought I'd be ready to drive by the time I was able to quickly jot down the basic of the experience.
But I am not.
And I am anxious about this whole experience. I have never been so sensitive about any subject in my life like I have been about people asking "so when will you two be having kids?"
It seems like an invasion into the privacy of our ability to create. But we want kids. We would love to have children bless our lives. We know that families bring the greatest happiness and joy. These are the people that will matter most to us in our lives. And yet, having to reach out to a doctor's office and ask them to help us is so intense. They're making sure my body does what it's supposed to every step of the way. Which is different. And unusual. And painful. And not just physically painful.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

I do NOT share my toothbrush.

Okay people. It has been brought to my attention by a person other than the voices in my head that I have not updated this blog in far too long than can be healthy for a blog. (I am sure it's too long because we live in an age of constant updates, posts, retweets, etc. If you didn't post today it's probably no longer relevant.)

But really, when studying that screenshot it's not hard to see which one of us is a more frequent communicator. (Yes, I was lost, alone, unfriended, and abandoned outside of the Clyde building at BYU on August 12th at 12:33 pm. It was horrid. I was able to rise above my circumstances and obtain entrance past a scathing glance of a BYU coed who disapproved my choice of armor for the day.) I digress.

In response to her text I have chosen to explain, very quickly, a story about how a little bit of gratitude can have a little bit of impact in your life.

First off: 
I do NOT share a toothbrush. With anyone. That's just gross. I'm married but I have boundaries and that is one of them.

Second off: 
In order for this story to make sense you have to understand that I kind of share a toothbrush.

It's getting awkward in here.

Allow me to relieve the tension. 

My husband (who loves finding great deals) purchased an electronic toothbrush. It was a great investment. (Story for another day: "Husband Goes for Years w/o a Dentist Appointment -- You'll Never Guess What Happens Next!" in which it is revealed that he doesn't have cavities. He rewards his electronic toothbrush. The next article is about his wife who claims WAY better hygiene than her husband and how she still has problems with her teeth.) (But like I said, those are stories for other times.) Meanwhile... he doesn't get cavities. The beautiful thing about this toothbrush, he told me as he introduced me the idea of sharing it, was that it came with two, separate, individual, and distinct toothbrush heads. You can take one off and attach the other. It's like two electronic toothbrushes for the price of one! Because it kind of is... However, I opted to not only take him up on his deal of sort of sharing a toothbrush, I gave it a plus one. I always keep an extra toothbrush as well. I get two. He gets one. Somehow this works really well. Especially when we have been apart overnight for random events and etc.

So we don't share a toothbrush head. Gross. We just share a toothbrush, electronic body part. That is a horrible way to describe it. We share a toothbrush base and switch out the heads. 

Okay. Now to the actual story part. You'll never guess how short this story actually is!

The other day The Hubs and I were getting ready for the day. When we get ready for the day, or for bed, I sometimes use the electric toothbrush and switch the head back to his. He's going to use it next anyway, so why not? You know, one of those, "Small things" that keeps the love going. (Or so they tell me). I don't do it every time. In fact, sometimes if he brushed his teeth last at night I will wait the extra two minutes for him to brush first in the morning. Fewer switches. But when we're not on par with our economic switcher-roosies I will sometimes make up the difference. You know, looking out for him. 

But I didn't ever think he noticed. He just took the toothbrush, adjusted the head if he needed, and brushed. 

In fact, I'm pretty sure that when he is ready to brush his teeth the thought process goes like this: Brush teeth. And then his actions line up like this immediately following that thought: *Brushes teeth.*

Why is it never that simple for me???

So this one morning in particular, Jacob thanked me for switching the heads on the toothbrush after I brushed. It was so sweet. I love random expressions of gratitude. Words are a particularly strong love language for me, at least from this guy. I was so pleased to hear this simple act being recognized.

Yet I was confused.

I replied with a, "you're welcome." A very confused, "you're welcome," but a verbal acknowledgement of his gratitude just the same. 

It wasn't until a full ten minutes after this short conversation that I started to laugh.

I hadn't even used the electronic toothbrush that morning. 

I had used my "manual."

His toothbrush head had been on there since the night before. I hadn't even touched the thing.

He didn't bother to wonder at my genuine LOL moment, but I explained it to him all the same. He seemed to suddenly understand my confusion and then carried on with his normal activities.

That is where the story should end.


The truth is, that ever since he kindly acknowledged and thanked me for such a small and routine event, I can't seem to stop doing it. I can't even begrudgingly do it because the day is ending and I am running out of time to serve my spouse that day because it is funny to me now. The only time he thought to notice and thank me for such a banal, hum-drum thing was the one time I didn't actually do it. And the memory makes me laugh a little (on the inside now). So every time I touch the electronic toothbrush I pay special care to replace his toothbrush head when I'm done so that his sincere Thank You doesn't go wasted.

On second thought, perhaps I shouldn't post this. If he finds it then he will realize what magnificent power he wields over my daily life by expressing such  a small sentiment as gratitude for one single event. (Real or imagined). 

Don't be cruel. Use  your thanks wisely.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Dating is Homework for the Test of Life.

This movie is super short and my first take becauuuuse... well, I needed to get back to cleaning. That is all.